Ahhh half way home…this season seems to be going a bit slower then past ones, but I am sure I will blink and it will be mid September and we will be headed to LA. We are all set for our Golf outing, we could use a mid season Bar Outing, and then we get the final dinner…location to be determined. Like past years I decided to pick the player on your team that most represents your squad/season as a whole. I used an extremely scientific* fool proof method so button your lips Nancy Pants and take your fake ranking/symbolism like a man.
You can read all about it on the wiki as always, but I will post this on Yahoo as well…
Doing this like always in Draft order…maybe you will be your first round pick, maybe you will be your recent waiver wire pick up…who knows, does anyone care?
Dogzilla 8th Place - Mark Reynolds 3b Diamondbacks.
Last season both of these chumps had career years, Fatty came within an eyelash of winning the whole she-bang (not the she-male) and Mark Reynolds went from late round flier to 3rd round stud. Well things have regressed a bit for both this time around the block, Fatty is sitting in 8th place and Mark Reynolds is threatening to break his own single season strike out record. In the heat of the desert Mark will hopefully turn it around as his power is still there but where did those steals go? Look for both to make a minor move up, but not cause the leaders to quake in their booty shorts too much.
Our League leaders mascots in Booty Shorts
Whack For My Theriot 3rd Place - Felix Hernandez SP Seattle Mariners
Tommy started off like a shot, propelling to the head of the Rockem class (remember Head of the Class? Khrystyne Kamil Haje was hot)
and is still dicking around in the top 3. King Felix is quietly having a great season out west, but he is on the floundering Mariners and only has 7 wins, while CG’ing up 4 of them. Quite a tally and worthy of praise, now if only he was on a team that could win him more games, he could go from great season to Championship…like Tom is trying to do.
NotAvailbleInTexas 4th Place - Alex Rodriguez 3b, NY Yankees
Sure he isn’t having a bad season, in fact he is having a good one, but it just isn’t up to his lofty standards…quick who was I talking about A-rod or the 2 Time Rockem Champ???! See, see, a pretty good fit between old Purple Lips and Tequila Man
I wish I was good at Photoshop and could have him kissing Mike
A-rod has been serviceable, ranking at 68th over all (1 away from a good sex joke…dam) and Mike has been flirting with the top 3, currently sitting in 4th place at the break. Sure he wants to move up, and A-rod wants to get hot (odds are both will happen) but for now it is a pretty solid season for both, if not exactly as good as they hoped.
Lookin4aSilvaLining 12th Place - Gordon Beckham 2b,3b Chicago White Sox.
Ouch, not quite sure how Beckham still has a roster spot since he is ranked 989th at the break, but Donny is holding strong…to Beckham and Last Place. After starting out OK the Silva Liners have crashed pretty hard, sure the categories are close and Beckham is young. Both could turn it around before the season ends and EETS A BOAT floats out, but it’s not likely this year, not likely at all.
Italian Stallions 11th Place – Aaron Hill 2b Toronto Blue Jays
I was looking over the Vig’s squad and I was wondering why it was doing so poorly then I happened to notice Aaron Hill’s Stats…holy beejesus, currently ranked at 915 overall Hill has been abysmal for the Blue Jays and he’s been turning Jay Blue with all his choking. A .189 average and .631 OPS with 12 homers?!?! That means he has taken what, 1 walk? Yikes. On the bottom All year Vig will need sluggers like Hill to turn it on if he wants to turn it around.
Byrnes When I Peavy 10th Place – Chad Qualls RP Diamondback
Had to give Birdie one of the D-back closers he has been rocking this year…they are a volatile bunch and currently sliding backwards, like his team in general. After starting off pretty solid things have been a train wreck for the B.W.I.P boys, and for Qualls. Bird sits in 10th place and while he may love that number, he certainly doesn’t love that standing…anymore then Qualls loves his 1100 ranking over the last month…woof
Dokken 5th Place – Chris Carpenter SP, St. Louis Cardinals
“If Don Dokken is involved it’s Devily Music!!” That is a quote from the greatest mind of our generation, Early Cuyler,
and I just had to use it in the review…what does it have to do with Chris Carpenter or Bull, not a god dam thing, but I am embedding the episode right c’here:
Anyway, Carpenter seems to swing one way or the other, like a giant donkey dick foam hat and if he ain’t broken he is fighting for the CY Young, same with Bull, last place or free eats, so it’s as good a fit as any. This year Carp may be the third best starter on the squad, but with a little luck he can come out smelling like Party Liquor, and so can Bull.
Zeddemore’s Poles 6th Place – Max Scherzer, P, Detroit Tigers
If I got my stats right 2010’s All Star Break finds the black ghostbuster in 6th Place. Fluxuating in the mid-table Jeffe has had a hard luck campaign but remains in striking distance a lot like Scherzer. After shitting the bed to start the year and being sent down to Triple-A he has returned effectively bringin with him a butt load of K’s, but hasn’t turned the corner completely. Jeff found himself in an unusual place, the bottom half of the league and now is splitting the difference. Max in Effect has turned it on becoming the 25th ranked player over the last month, and Jeff has improved as both look to make a second half run. He is a K machine to Jeff’s Shot’s machine, both love focusing on “the Numbers” and both have creepy different Eyes,
Oh sorry I got the “Beefed-Up Balding Douche” confused with the “Thin White Duke”, zing!
C-Town Highpockets 2nd Place – Kevin Youkilis 3b, Boston Red Sox
This is the second year running Youk has made the All-Star write up, and it is easy to see why, the owners who draft him, know what they are in for; consistency and apparently free eats. He might even be a Rockem Lucky Charm if you will... "Youk's got your Lucky Charms Right C'here!"
You are going to get production straight across the board with this big goateed lug. BK has been flirting with the top 3 all year and I had him finishing up there so... par for the course really, well who knows if he will get a Par come Rockem Golfem, but he certainly is producing in the Fantasy World.
Ephedraheartstoppers 9th Place – James Shields P Tampa Bay
A sturdy producer who usually is right in the thick of things and had a ton of potential coming into the season, but is getting less then mixed results, ladies and gentlemen James Shields and Jay Moon. I am sure Jay would be happy if he was told Shields would have 109 K’s in the first half, don’t think he would remotely pumped to hear those K’s come with a 4.87 ERA. Shields has looked down right bad lately and Moon has slipped all the way to 9th place. That’s twin style dirty diaper stanky and ten points out of 8th makes it that much worse...you will always have...whatever you have out there in the backwoods of Jersey.
The Spearmint Rhinos 7th Place – Phil Hughes P NY Yankees
The rollicking tomato has been all over the map the first half of the season, claiming first place for an extended run before crashing his huge noggin directly into a brick wall that contained magical point sucking attributes. Collapsing into the muck and mire finds Wilson getting pissed on by a high class black hooker new baby boy Jack and a fat 7th place surrounding him. He is looking like Phil Hughes who started out majestically but has faltered lately and now even has to deal with rumors of being moved to the bullpen to end the season. Is a further regression in store for the newest dad and future "ace" of the Yanks staff? Guess we will have to play out the rest of the season and see won’t we...
All the best peoples…lets get the party a’started.
Ahhh half way home…this season seems to be going a bit slower then past ones, but I am sure I will blink and it will be mid September and we will be headed to LA. We are all set for our Golf outing, we could use a mid season Bar Outing, and then we get the final dinner…location to be determined. Like past years I decided to pick the player on your team that most represents your squad/season as a whole. I used an extremely scientific* fool proof method so button your lips Nancy Pants and take your fake ranking/symbolism like a man.
You can read all about it on the wiki as always, but I will post this on Yahoo as well…
Doing this like always in Draft order…maybe you will be your first round pick, maybe you will be your recent waiver wire pick up…who knows, does anyone care?
(man-o-man, just looking back we really partied up a storm for the last All-Star Break Party)
Dogzilla 8th Place - Mark Reynolds 3b Diamondbacks.
Last season both of these chumps had career years, Fatty came within an eyelash of winning the whole she-bang (not the she-male) and Mark Reynolds went from late round flier to 3rd round stud. Well things have regressed a bit for both this time around the block, Fatty is sitting in 8th place and Mark Reynolds is threatening to break his own single season strike out record. In the heat of the desert Mark will hopefully turn it around as his power is still there but where did those steals go? Look for both to make a minor move up, but not cause the leaders to quake in their booty shorts too much.
Whack For My Theriot 3rd Place - Felix Hernandez SP Seattle Mariners
Tommy started off like a shot, propelling to the head of the Rockem class (remember Head of the Class? Khrystyne Kamil Haje was hot)
and is still dicking around in the top 3. King Felix is quietly having a great season out west, but he is on the floundering Mariners and only has 7 wins, while CG’ing up 4 of them. Quite a tally and worthy of praise, now if only he was on a team that could win him more games, he could go from great season to Championship…like Tom is trying to do.
NotAvailbleInTexas 4th Place - Alex Rodriguez 3b, NY Yankees
Sure he isn’t having a bad season, in fact he is having a good one, but it just isn’t up to his lofty standards…quick who was I talking about A-rod or the 2 Time Rockem Champ???! See, see, a pretty good fit between old Purple Lips and Tequila Man
A-rod has been serviceable, ranking at 68th over all (1 away from a good sex joke…dam) and Mike has been flirting with the top 3, currently sitting in 4th place at the break. Sure he wants to move up, and A-rod wants to get hot (odds are both will happen) but for now it is a pretty solid season for both, if not exactly as good as they hoped.
Lookin4aSilvaLining 12th Place - Gordon Beckham 2b,3b Chicago White Sox.
Ouch, not quite sure how Beckham still has a roster spot since he is ranked 989th at the break, but Donny is holding strong…to Beckham and Last Place. After starting out OK the Silva Liners have crashed pretty hard, sure the categories are close and Beckham is young. Both could turn it around before the season ends and EETS A BOAT floats out, but it’s not likely this year, not likely at all.
Italian Stallions 11th Place – Aaron Hill 2b Toronto Blue Jays
I was looking over the Vig’s squad and I was wondering why it was doing so poorly then I happened to notice Aaron Hill’s Stats…holy beejesus, currently ranked at 915 overall Hill has been abysmal for the Blue Jays and he’s been turning Jay Blue with all his choking. A .189 average and .631 OPS with 12 homers?!?! That means he has taken what, 1 walk? Yikes. On the bottom All year Vig will need sluggers like Hill to turn it on if he wants to turn it around.
Byrnes When I Peavy 10th Place – Chad Qualls RP Diamondback
Had to give Birdie one of the D-back closers he has been rocking this year…they are a volatile bunch and currently sliding backwards, like his team in general. After starting off pretty solid things have been a train wreck for the B.W.I.P boys, and for Qualls. Bird sits in 10th place and while he may love that number, he certainly doesn’t love that standing…anymore then Qualls loves his 1100 ranking over the last month…woof
Dokken 5th Place – Chris Carpenter SP, St. Louis Cardinals
“If Don Dokken is involved it’s Devily Music!!” That is a quote from the greatest mind of our generation, Early Cuyler,
and I just had to use it in the review…what does it have to do with Chris Carpenter or Bull, not a god dam thing, but I am embedding the episode right c’here:
Anyway, Carpenter seems to swing one way or the other, like a giant donkey dick foam hat and if he ain’t broken he is fighting for the CY Young, same with Bull, last place or free eats, so it’s as good a fit as any. This year Carp may be the third best starter on the squad, but with a little luck he can come out smelling like Party Liquor, and so can Bull.
NOLA Crawdaddies 1st Place– Josh Hamilton OF, Texas Rangers
We both Smoke Crack and love to get the party started.
http://deadspin.com/5332801/the-devil-is-still-in-josh-hamilton-update/gallery/
Zeddemore’s Poles 6th Place – Max Scherzer, P, Detroit Tigers
If I got my stats right 2010’s All Star Break finds the black ghostbuster in 6th Place. Fluxuating in the mid-table Jeffe has had a hard luck campaign but remains in striking distance a lot like Scherzer. After shitting the bed to start the year and being sent down to Triple-A he has returned effectively bringin with him a butt load of K’s, but hasn’t turned the corner completely. Jeff found himself in an unusual place, the bottom half of the league and now is splitting the difference. Max in Effect has turned it on becoming the 25th ranked player over the last month, and Jeff has improved as both look to make a second half run. He is a K machine to Jeff’s Shot’s machine, both love focusing on “the Numbers” and both have creepy different Eyes,
Oh sorry I got the “Beefed-Up Balding Douche” confused with the “Thin White Duke”, zing!
C-Town Highpockets 2nd Place – Kevin Youkilis 3b, Boston Red Sox
This is the second year running Youk has made the All-Star write up, and it is easy to see why, the owners who draft him, know what they are in for; consistency and apparently free eats. He might even be a Rockem Lucky Charm if you will...
You are going to get production straight across the board with this big goateed lug. BK has been flirting with the top 3 all year and I had him finishing up there so... par for the course really, well who knows if he will get a Par come Rockem Golfem, but he certainly is producing in the Fantasy World.
Ephedraheartstoppers 9th Place – James Shields P Tampa Bay
A sturdy producer who usually is right in the thick of things and had a ton of potential coming into the season, but is getting less then mixed results, ladies and gentlemen James Shields and Jay Moon. I am sure Jay would be happy if he was told Shields would have 109 K’s in the first half, don’t think he would remotely pumped to hear those K’s come with a 4.87 ERA. Shields has looked down right bad lately and Moon has slipped all the way to 9th place. That’s twin style dirty diaper stanky and ten points out of 8th makes it that much worse...you will always have...whatever you have out there in the backwoods of Jersey.
The Spearmint Rhinos 7th Place – Phil Hughes P NY Yankees
The rollicking tomato has been all over the map the first half of the season, claiming first place for an extended run before crashing his huge noggin directly into a brick wall that contained magical point sucking attributes. Collapsing into the muck and mire finds Wilson getting pissed on by a high class black hooker new baby boy Jack and a fat 7th place surrounding him. He is looking like Phil Hughes who started out majestically but has faltered lately and now even has to deal with rumors of being moved to the bullpen to end the season. Is a further regression in store for the newest dad and future "ace" of the Yanks staff? Guess we will have to play out the rest of the season and see won’t we...
All the best peoples…lets get the party a’started.
*made all this shit up on the fly.